Contemplation

I've been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about the future and what it holds for my family and I. It's hard to make a decision that could be a pivotal point in life, especially when you've been having a hard time hearing the Lord for over a year.

All I want to do is the Lords will. It's funny how my husband reminds me that the Lord said it is good to live a quiet and peaceful life. I believe that to be true and yet I have this intense longing inside for something more, something deeper.

I look back on my relationship with the Lord up to this point, parts I question whether I was actually sincere or just wanted to be the center of attention. I've been extremely selfish in my ways and my walk for the Lord. It's been so difficult to cultivate an active relationship with God when it hasn't been here for over a year. I want it so badly and yet I can't seem to find time to have it.

I find myself saying "God I know you put this desire in my heart.... I don't see it happening and I don't know what to do." Where do I go from here?

I seem to have everything I have ever wanted, a husband, a child, a home to live in, and yet I'm not satisfied.

Worries and cares seem to have been knock on my door constantly, proving a distraction for the simple joys in life I've so wanted to experience. Taking a moment to breathe and write it out seems to really help. I am sure of this, the only thing that satisfies is the Lord.

I need you Lord, I need you more in this moment and every moment after then ever before. Come and be with me.